what makes me sad lately and what brought tears to my eyes recently...

Manoy, Lady, Martha & Rafael,

my smile, my cheerful disposition, my positive outlook, and yes, even the comforting presence of my Mom, cannot ever erase the pain i am in now...

i'm in pain cause my Kuya and his family left for Sidney, Australia for good...

you must understand where this pain is coming from...

i intentionally didn't go to the airport for the send off last saturday for fear of making a fool out of myself. i sucked at saying goodbyes...

i didn't want them to see that it's causing me so much pain to see them go for i know they could have a better life there. i don't want them to carry my tears and sadness in their hearts and mind as they try to tread a new and untrodden path there in Australia.

i'll be missing my niece and nephew terribly. sobra. no amount of words could ever describe the loneliness i feel on this thought. Martha and Rafael are the children I will love to have for myself in the future. i love them soooooooooo much! it hurts!

i'll miss my sister-in-law, we may have our own share of disagreements, normal beings as we are, but i love her as well. miss ko kaw leds! i will miss our talks...by the gate and during meals whenever i go and visit their place. i'll miss calaca! =)

but most of all it pains me to think that i lost my "shining star" to the better and greener pasture that australia can offer.

yes, for years, without my Manoy knowing it, he was and still my shining star! that's why i follow him around, manipulate him to giving me my whims and caprices, stupidly quarreling with him so he could see that all i want is his attention --- and that's why i try to do better each time, in this journey i call life. you have been my guiding star! my one great influence and my one true knight in shining armor and rescuer amidst this stifling and cruel world. All i want is a KUYA like him forever!

he is one great brother i would always love to follow and see as a great example! my very own role model who most people will turn green with envy of not having for themselves...

i will be forever proud of being the "dabz" he has grown accustomed to protecting and shielding...

hats off to your courage of uprooting your family from the very plush and comfortable lifestyle they have here, just to seek other alternatives that will give them better a life in the future!
indeed you are my star!

Noy, love you very much...beyond words, time, space and distance.
take care there...wait for me? hehehe...

lovelots always and forever,
dabz

p.s.
Manoy, kung di mo makaya...uwi ka lang ha? dito lang kami...

dabz pa rin

originally published in my Friendster account October 3, 2007

what is wrong with me?

"...kasi magaya ka sa akin ngayon, ako ito...walang crush, walang minamahal...dire dretso lang tingin ko sa mundo ngayon... wala akong kilig kilig ngayon...i dont know why? nasagad na kaya niya? sa sobrang feeling mode na ginawa ko sa mga blogs ko, nasagad na kaya? kasi honestly, hindi na ako excited makita siya, i dont even want to mention his name in the surveys that i answer in the bulletin, i dont even want to text him...pay, am i drifting away from him? ito ba sinasabi ni Cyril na NAKAKATAKOT NA, MAGFALL OUT OF LOVE? kasi sa totoo lang, wala na talaga akong pakialam anuman mangyari sa kanya...napagod na kaya puso ko? naanesthesize? waaaaaah! help pay! wala na ako nararamdaman!!!!"

just recently i have made this comment to a good friend of mine, at first i thought, these are just mere thoughts...fleeting and passing...but the next time i read it, lo and behold! i have spoken out loud the very thoughts that are running in my head...


unknowingly, i had voiced out the very feeling i have at the moment...


yesterday i approached three of my brightest students in my Lit class, asking them to help me decipher what's going on with me, on the way am feeling right now. not that i dont love anybody, nah! not that! contrary to this, i do love all my students, the people who shared their lives with me, my friends, kasoy, marie, mam vanj, momi beni...my sister most especially my mom! i am pretty sure that i still have that capacity to love! i sure i do! i still maintain this sympathetic ear, this broad shoulder to cry on...most of my kids would still come to me and ask my two cents ideas and they will leave me feeling okay for i'll listen to them and give them sensical advice. you see, this is the loving person in me! always accommodating despite the hectic workload...


oh yes! am still the "kakaloka", "kakatawa", "kakabaliw na teacher", who is a mix of extreme persona, i still love life! i still love my job! i didnt stop loving writing! i am hopelessly in love with life and i soooooo love my mom, all these i am pretty sure, i still love and commit and recommit to having for always. and i still have that kilig factor when one of my student called me a HOT MAMA who wished he will meet a 'recopied' me in the future, so he can have a younger version of me...since having me is next to impossibility...whoaaaaah! kakatangos ng ilong ha?


BUT!!!


lately, i see all men as ordinary beings who are busy like me. no glitz, no glamor, just men going on with their daily lives, trying to make ends meet. i'll see them pass my way and i (too my horror!) will not even take a second look. the "kilig" factor i have whenever i see somebody "gwapo" is slowly fading. at the moment, i dont feel any form of attraction or love to men in my midst lately. why? waaaaaaaaaahaaaayyyyyyy!


did i ran out of love already? am not naman in pain. in fact i feel great and positive about life these days. i believe i am siksik, liglig at umaapaw...i feel that i'm still the superloving ruby that i am years ago, who never believes in forgetting love despite the many hurts i was in before...


it's just that -- MAN, these days don't interest me... oh, they are just M-A-N for me...male species, with different physique and reproductive system...they are just MAN for me, not so yummy anymore... yun lang. no frills.no fireworks. no colors. no rainbows.


whenever my friends would tease me into dating somebody or would tell me that somebody has a crush on me, i'll just listen, smile, accept the compliment...drop a few funny lines, makikikilig (kunwari) and then what? i'll let the issue die a natural death by pushing them into the dark recesses of my mind...


i have a friend who love to tease me 'bout him being in love with me, but what do i do? i practically laugh in his face, crack jokes 'bout how untrue his feelings are, and worse, ignore him talaga! tinatawanan ko lang siya! and then i go on doing all the stuff i need to do for the day...


and then there's this one instance, when the guy who i had a crush with dati, got interested in me na, to the point of walking an extra mile to accommodate my whims, but what do i do? i just smile and leave him, while he was practically waiting for me to finish my work so he can take me home or drop me off the place where i can catch my usual ride home...


whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!! kahaba ng hair!!! so kawawa the guy ha? e ano gagawin ko? ayaw tumibok eh...


damn! what's wrong with me?!!! i love men!!! i will always do! but now, they actually BORE ME!!!


i have always been loving, sweet and funny to my male friends, now am turning a cold shoulder on them. why?

did i run out of love already? nabuhos na ba lahat sa maling tao? at umayaw na ako bigla?


or am i too busy to care and notice men? especially these days when work seems to engulf me?


can somebody tell me what the heck is wrong with me?


for i am pretty sure that this is so UNME...

am sooooo prettily confused!

IS HE GAY?

Is he gay? This question gnaws my thoughts every so now and then, as I try to discern the behavior of a good friend of mine who hold close to my heart, that it hurts me to think that he be one.

Not that I have something against the gifted “third kind”, not so…nah…in fact, two of my closest friends are gays and I love them so much that I’ll even walk the fire for them! It’s just that…I really want to see this friend of mine, married someday for I know he needs a complete family to feel that emptiness he now feels.

Honestly, for a certain period of time I wanted him for myself but then reality steps in and made me realize that there is this someone there for me, who truly deserves the love I can give, so I gave up on this friend of mine.

Not that I had my heart broken where wanting him for myself is concerned that’s why these doubts begin to cloud my already my confused head –- these thoughts lurk and would often beset me because these days he has that propensity to whine and play victim to even the most hackneyed situation! He pretends to be so darn vulnerable to people’s prying and piercing prejudgments. He would be like a babe in the woods crying for constant help from friends…making me see him as a whining girl ready to be swallowed alive by this big bad world. Gosh! Even Little Red Riding Hood tried her best to find her way home. But him? He takes comfort in his selfish whining and griping!

In our midst, we see him as one lonely guy who wants to be given a sense of direction and a strong sense of attachment to the opposite sex for he has that knack to basically let go of the wonderful girls he had luckily meet in his self-imposed life’s travails.

For years, I have been trying to decipher his real nuances and each time, I can incorrigibly come to a conclusion that he could probably be gay and that maybe he just doesn’t know how to address that hard fact yet.

Oh well, if you ask me, I will still love and take him for who he is. If really, he finds it in his heart to come out and admit that he is really gay, well, well, I would surely find this even more endearing of him for I know it takes a lot of courage to admit to the unforgiving world, that his “happy ending” might not be the same as what most people expect of him.

something new...

for years i was made to believe in one great passion...LETTERS & WORDS...

the passion that is writing...its rudiments, ins and outs, length, topics, what will click and what wont...be schorlarly, expound...elaborate...

and now, the challenge is for me to forget the things i learned and delve in a new dimension of writing...

blog writing for corporate-owned website...

have to contain my raging thoughts in a 250-per-word article, where i am encourage to "keep it simple, sweetie"...

can i do it?

dunno...

hope so...

if i am to survive in these frickin' changing times...

from now on my blogs would be plenty and short... talk about quantity and not quality?

is it really me?

have to curve my verbs and adjectives...

try something else for me to fully see the world in a grain of sand...

oh the challenges... bring them on!

c'est lavie!!

When LOVE becomes engulfing...

Writing is my first love... next to God and my family, this has been my passion ever since I started to love the way words form together to represent your very thoughts...

BUT...

sometimes...love can be so engulfing...

it's been more than two months now when i had long search for that one peaceful and uninterrupted sleep beginning at 9 o'clock in the evening... how i long for that...

these days, i have to go home late at night (11 in the evening or up), with empty stomach, to a forlorn bed since my sister will be asleep already. pathetic. i have to quell the pangs of hunger if only to sleep the remaining hours of the night before i then open my eyes to a brand new day of mentoring...i wake up at 5 am despite keeping long hours at night...last night i broke into tears 'cause of these instances... if my mom's here...i will never be hungry and will have someone to tell how my day went...

these days, i seem to have gotten more than what i bargained for...before, i just wish to God that i be able to write something (a thing or two in a piece of paper or a card for the "monthsary" ek...) despite the busy sked, if only to remember the fact that i can write pretty well, now, all these deadlines -- writing deadlines...that is, haunt me! even in sleep! my writing deadlines are way too high and big for me...more than what i expected...gosh! truly, you have to be very careful of what you wish for...

these days, i seem to forego many things in favor of my being here in makati-- working and writing...although going to church and talking with my sister are still part of the itinerary for the week...but i miss being able to sit by my door to watch all my neighbors go to and fro on a lazy afternoon...or being able to feed the stray cats that flocked my doorstep every so now and then (how can i feed them, when i dont have the luxury of cooking anymore!)... now, weekend only means one thing...LAUNDRY! hay!

these days, i dont even know what's going on around the nation for i also have foregone the luxury of reading newspapers and watching news, in favor of these deadlines...before, i cant wait for the news for it will be aired way too late at night. now, when i arrive home the news is being aired but i will be too tired and sleepy to watch...what the...!

these days, i am constantly busy and frequently out of my own sanity...doing my best to deliver the "goods" expected of me... but God! i cant even stop and smell the flowers! darn! just when i thought not having a boyfriend is great for now i will have a great time being alone and doing all those crazy stuff i can do...alone! however, i can't seem to appreciate that now anymore, 'cause you know what, i dont have the time to be alone and idly laze around for i have to WRITE!!!! so engulfing...

oh God, i miss lazing on my bed while staring at the ceiling and thinking of my most recent "apple of the eye", silently contemplating my next move to land him! hehehehe...now, i am also deprived of that! i miss walking and playing under the rain with those kids who i have for neighbors, i miss our long and lengthy breakfast with my sister/brother as we try and catch up with our day-to-day lives, i even miss dressing up (!) 'cause i dont have time to choose my clothes for the fear of being late to work, my attire would just be confined to what's basic and what's appropriate and handy...gosh! i even miss texting friends just for the heck of consuming my "all-text" load...now my load gets zapped by my network provider for i cant use them all...
tell me...do i sound pathetic just because i love to write?

BUT...hey! cheer up ruby! what the heck are you complaining for? see the brighter side of things: oh well, there will always be my great moments spent with my "kids" during class discussions, my time spent watching Heroes and CSI, my time spent idly pampering my hair during bath time, my time playing all those old silly records that my old colleagues would sing with (inside our faculty room)... my bonding moments with friends (coffee, videoke and a bottle of vodka ice!), times spent planting and receiving kisses from my niece and nephew? times happily spent walking along the long overpass/pathway of landmark going to rufino ( my three-times-a-week exercise! get to sweat, real sweat ha?!) walking under the rain with kim, mary faith, sarah, culver and alvin after a day's work in ayala ave, and you know what's great?...i get to walk three times a week in the proud and stifling ayala ave without the noise and buzz of the impersonal people that fills it (i get to go home way too late to mess with the throng of people and the traffic!)...this is way so cool and different from its everyday set up!

well, well, funny...life isn't bad after all...what's important is i do get to work for everything i want and i need...and i get to be paid for doing what i love truly...WRITE.

My First College Buddy: Rico Leo Sacaben

For Rico Leo Sacaben: the lives we lived…paths we took…heartaches we’ve withstood…(musing over)

i made quite an exciting bulletin awhile ago, telling my thoughts about how glad i was, seeing you again and being able to talk with you again after 14 years of being away from each other’s lives. but then one silly connection glitch zapped it out… feeling so disheartened, i decided to forego the message, thinking, maybe it wasn’t meant to be posted, so i decided to stand up and and take my very late lunch (got side swept with my students stage play earlier)… but then i stopped to take one last look on my friendster profile, and there, i saw your name jumped out of the screen, since i placed you as one of my featured friends, then i remembered, you asked me yesterday, if i have already read your blogs, so, neglecting the pangs of hunger, i clicked your site and went for the blogs you had casually mentioned in our conversation yesterday. oh, i remember, you’re one of my greatest rivals in writing…hehehe…bragging? huh-huh…

rico, tears welled in my eyes, for what was laid before me, were the very thoughts of a very close friend i lost long time ago. i cried because i realized how wide the gap that separates us from each other and how different are we from the starry-eyed, clueless individuals, with devil-may-care dispositions we were before; before, we were just contented with earning 3.0 in our GE subjects in UP Tacloban (how come you’re good in math while being good in english pati?); we would be satisfied with having to sit under the trees inside the relatively-clean-but-nearly-polluted UP Botanical Garden, not minding if classes are up already. oh how i cried when you left me for UP Diliman…you’re such a jerk then!!! and now…i still think you are…bad habits are hard to break dear…

poring over your blogs, made me want to cry out loud (especially when i read about your dad and how you long for him in your own silent thoughts, all this time…nakarelate ak sobra!), if not for the on-going classes we have next door… i didn’t know all those things ric. you practically had become a stranger to me. i never thought you will be married early for you struck me as the “deviant” one who will refuse to be tied down with society’s conventions. i guess, the only thing permanent in this world is change. and, guess what! you missed asking me to become a ninang to your eleven-year-old son, who i bet is more good-looking than you.

the funny rico i so remembered when we were young was still there, present in all your musings but along with this persona, are the angst you keep as you tread through life. of course, your very eloquent and high-falluting words can never be questioned…you always have the gift of writing, precisely why Dr. Sugbo liked you, even up to now. i guess, you will never lose it even when age catches up with you. however, your beautiful words cannot mask the fact that indeed life has gotten into your system, deep and thorough…

ric, how could we have lived different lives, when i think both of us live on the same plane, that plane of having to make do with what we have as students, (budgeting long-delayed-and-too-small allowance), the plane of having to struggles so hard against poverty (of not being able to buy what we want), the plane of having great dads who we will always love ’til the day we die (…of seeing them die young, 53 and 54, and having to live through the pain of their untimely demise), the plane of having to be government servants (just luckier, my case isn’t as worse as how you described it in your blog, i’m in the academe, dear, this is safer and more idealistic than your turf), the plane of being disillusioned early on with “heart partners” (mine, didn’t just bore a child for it would deeply hurt the people who love me and i am not as brave as you, i can never hurt my mom and dad) and that plane of being able to see beyond the given (as gleaned from your very outlandish blogs’ perspective…too bad, only few of us know this, di ba we are always keen observers no? precisely why our Comm. 2 papers are way too exotic! The Culture of Chili and Teenage Pre-marital Abstinence!).

my reading your blog is actually a way of fully reaching out to you, for you to welcome me back in your life, once again…for i believe that living different and separate lives will not cut the bond that we forged 14 years ago. hey, you were the first one to have that patience to get to know me and my childish ramblings! you have seen beyond the given…you were my first college bestfriend! up to now i still wander why you opt to tag along with me when people back then had shunned me for being sooooo noisy? And remember, we use to cover each other’s back because our eccentrities often lead us to trouble? (i have to cover for you during Dr. Sugbo’s class when you were caught drawing something on the paper while his discussion is on-going, that my dear, earned me Dr. Sugbo’s ire for three good long months! he never talked to me about my paper! he never asked for my draft! i almost got flunked in my comm. 2 ’cause of you! arrrrgggh!) anyway, reading your life is actually inhaling a breath of fresh air for me, since it had made me begin to examine, the life i lived, the path i took and the choices i made…they’re not so different from yours after all…

rico, the distance and time had separate us, but in my heart, you will forever be my buddy, the brother i have during our first year college days and my partner in crime…my “talkmate”, my seatmate (who always draw caricatures out of boring teachers which would be passed on to me, to the bile of our professors who would catch us laughing at your drawings), my confidant, my language “assistant”, my assignment “cross-checker”, okay fine! (this is not out of own volition), my hero and my knight in “rusting” armor…eeeew!

hey, still an Atheist huh? oh well, i’m still a devout Catholic…but who cares! i’ll still love you and accept you like the old times! we will just not talk about how Bible suck and how it is made out of plain paper thus not sacred (sabi mo!), how God rules His land unfairly, ’cause there are poor people while others slept in airconditioned beds (sabi mo!), how faith is practiced wrongly, since Catholics would often curse and swear even right after hearing mass (sabi mo pa rin!), i haven’t crucified your point of view back then and i am not about to begin now… ’cause after all, WE EACH RESPECT OUR FAITH. no matter how different they are. bottom line.

miss and love you rics! time and distance weren’t able to change these…

huh…huh… i almost forgot, bar exams? you terrified? who are you kidding? come on! since when did you get to be afraid of exams? you actually flirted with mind games and brainwracking tests before, (remember the chess puzzle moves you exchanged with Manasseh Bastes, hoping that before the day is through, he will be able to solve it and come up with another move for you to also solve…sige aton baktas ha BL, sige naman an im’ pinsar san move nga hatag ni Manasseh, bisan ka pa mapakdol!). and (remembering this made me roll over with laughter!), the greatest test you actually FLIRTED on is having to actually walk straight to a girl and flatly ask her if you can court her? which, more often than not, would be received with a crashing set down…hehehe…crash, boom, bang! (pati hi katrina nalisang gad la san im’ kaduro nga ka-forward! amo ada pumahirayo sa im’…kay bangin hiya im’ isunod daupon ngan pakianhan…)

now, you worry about not being able to fully grasp the nuances of the Philippine laws? c’mon! you know, you’re better than that…don’t worry, i’ll read and highlight your name in the paper come March…i’ll even buy you dozens to give out…K? kaya mo it intoy!

see you soon and hey, you owe me a date man!!!! you promised…and i’ll hold that close to my heart…wanna touch base mano…and not to mention, the visit i’ll make to Catarman this christmas, you also promised me that…hmm…don’t you ever forget that.

different lives? different choices? different paths? 14 years gap? nope! …the same bond of friendship lingers!

…time for lunch…

KALYO: Subok lang...

sa naghihingalong panulat ni Ruby Mae E. Buitizon (Waray po kasi ito kaya naghihingalo sa Tagalog niya...sana'y di matuluyan...sorry Juan Bahag...)

…Panimula:
Busilak ang pusong nagmamahal ng buong buo sapagkat sila’y matatawag kumpletong nilalang di man magkaroon ng katuparan ang kanilang inaasam. Ang buhay ng taong umiibig kailanman ay di mawawalan ng kinang at kulay…gaano man ito mabigo at makaranas ng pait sa kamay ng taong kanyang minamahal ---

eeeew! ano to?

Teka, teka, teka! Ano ‘to sumulat? Magulat at Magmulat!! Cyril So...ako ba to?

Hindi!

Ano ‘to blog ng martir na binaril sa gitna ng Luneta? Panay pag-ibig na busilak at pagpapakahunghang? HINDI! Hindi ito ang nauukol dito…

Ito’y isang kuru-kuro ng isang babaing di makatulog isang gabi dahil ito ay nakapagkape ng kapeng barako! Sinulat niya ito bilang paggunita sa Buwan ng Wikang Filipino ngayong Agosto. Anuman ang nakasulat dito, ay bunga ng kanyang mayabong at mayamang imahinasyon…at kanyang inaari ang anuman batikos na ipupukol ng mga taong makakabasa nito…

Iniaalay ng manunulat ang sanaysay na ito sa lahat ng NAGHANGAD at NABIGO (sa kahit anumang aspeto ng buhay). Para rin kay Jhepay na nagsilbing isang inspirasyon...

K A L Y O


Minsan sa buhay natin, tayo ay namangha sa isang bagay. Humanga. Nagnais. Nagnasa. Nagtiwala. Naghangad. Nagmahal at natutong dumakila. Kaakibat nito ay ang iyong pagkakaroon ng isang masidhing pagnanasang makamtan ito – kung kaya’t lubos mong dinasal at hinangad na ito ay mapasaiyo. Bantulot ka man, pinilit mong gawin ang lahat para makuha at maabot itong kaisa-isang bagay na iyong pinapangarap. Lahat ng pagod, hirap, pagtitimpi, pagsisikap at minsan pati hiya at reputasyon naipusta at naibigay mo na para lang makamtan ang bagay na ito. Lumaban ka. Pumusta. Naniwalang kaya mo. Kinalimutan ang sarili, ang sigaw ng katinuan at katahimikan ng kaisipan para lang sa pag-abot nito. Sumagwan hanggang sa marating mo ang pinakamalalim na bahagi ng yung pangarap.

Pero sadyang mapaglaro ang tadhana. NABIGO ka. Minalas. Inabot ng sangkatutak na pait at pagkabigo sapagkat hindi mo nakuha ang iyong pinakananais. Sa halip na mapasaiyo, tinapon sa iyong pagmumukha ang kabiguan mo sa pagkamit ng bagay na iyong kinagiliwan at pinaglaanan ng iyong marubdob na pagnanasa. Ang masakit pa nito, nagdumilat sa iyo ang katotohanang KAILANMAN ay HINDI mapapasaiyo ang pinapangarap. Kung kaya wala kang ibang pupuwedeng gawin kundi ang tanggapin ng buong puso ang sakit ang pait ng isang matinding kabiguan. Tumanggap ng pagkatalo…marapat lang na ikaw ay lumayo at umuwing luhaan. Bigo kang makuha ang iyong pangarap. Bigo sa iyong pagnanasang makamtan ang iyong dinakila. At bigo ka ring mapatunayan sa mundo na ikaw at ikaw lang ang sadyang karapat dapat na makuha sa kanya. Humihiyaw ang puso dahil sa katotohanang ikaw ay bigo. Oo. Bigo ka.

Lumakad ka na papalayo sa pait ng pagkabigo. Palayo. Pabalik sa katotohanang mamumuhay ka muli gaya ng dati. Nung dating hindi ka pa nagnasa. Hindi ka pa nagnais. Dumakila. Naniwala sa isang malayong pangarap.

Lulugo-lugong humakbang palayo. Nakayuko. Malamlam ang mga mata. Pait ay bakas sa mukha. Oo, bigo ka man pero pinilit mong makabangon. Pinilit mong makabalik sa pampang upang hindi tuluyang matangay ng agos at lamunin ng rumaragasang unos ng sakit at tuluyang malunod sa sakit na iyong nararamdaman sa pagkabigo mong kamtin ang iyong pangarap.

Lumaban ka pero sadyang kay lupit ng tadhanang may hawak sa iyong pangarap mo. Nanatili itong bingi sa iyong pagsamo at mga panaghoy. Wala itong ibang inalala kundi ang sarili nitong pasya na ipagdamot sayo ang iyong pangarap. Lumaban ka at nabigo. Pumusta ka at natalo. Bigong bigo ka at hapong hapong lumakad sa tabi ng dalampasigang minsan ay nakuha mong iwanan upang pilit mong suungin ang lakas ng alon para sa isang malayong pangarap. At dito unti unti mo ng napagtanto na sadyang kay layo ng iyong pangarap mula sa dalampasigang iyong kinakatayuan. Napaghinuha mong dapat pala ay pinakinggan mo ang bulong ng katuwiran bago ka pa pumalaot upang ipaglaban ang iyong pinangarap.

Heto ka ngayon balik sa dating pampang ng katuwiran at katotohanan. Malayo sa pangarap na iyong pinagnasaan. Pinilit mong bumangon sa iyong pagkakadapa sa hapding iyong kinasadlakan. Pinilit mong maglakad palayo sa karagatan ng kabiguan. Isinumpa sa sariling kailangan man ay hindi na hahabol sa isang bagay na walang patutunguhan. Kinumbinsi, pinaniwala at tinuruan ang sariling hindi na kailanman mamangha, hahanga, magnanais, magnanasa, magtitiwala, maghahangad, magmamahal at dadakila sa isang malayong pangarap.

Umayaw ka na. Nagdesisyong tuluyang kumalas at mamayagpag sa ibang paraan. Malayo sa bagay na minsan mong pinangarap. Binuhay mo ang sarili mo sa paniniwalang kaya mong tumayo at bumangon muli kahit wala ang pangarap na iyong hinangad. Buhay kang hindi na kailanman maghahangad sa isang malabong pangarap. Baon baon mo sa puso mo ang paniniwalang kahit ano man ang mangyari hindi ka na pupusta at lalaban sa isang bagay na walang katiyakan.

NGUNIT sakdal na mapaglaro ang tawag ng iyong palad -- kaypait ng ganti ng tadhana sa iyong bagong paniniwalang ito. Kung kailan ka umayaw at nagdesisyong bibitaw at di na mangangarap saka ka naman biglang lalapitan ng tukso ng iyong pangarap. Saka ka tatakamin ng mga pahapyaw na alindog ng mga larawan ng mga bagay na maaaring mangyari sakaling maabot mo ang iyong pinapangarap ka. Kung kailan ka humindi saka ka tinukso uling mamangha, humanga, magnais, magnasa, magtiwala, maghangad, magmahal at muling dumakila sa isang pangarap na iyo ng iniwan dahil sad ala nitong pait at kabiguan sa isang taong katulad mong minsan ay nangarap.

Nakakatawa man pero may may oras na talaga namang sinabi mo sa sarili mong ayaw mo na. Na hindi ka na kailanman papalaot pa sa isang pangarap na kabiguan ang dinulot sa iyong damdaming tunay at busilak na nagnasa at nagmahal dito. Humihiyaw ang puso mong minsan pang nangangakong hindi na kailanman padadala sa tawag ng isang mapaglarong pangarap. Ikaw ay pilit na nagbingi bingihan. Nagbulagbulagan. Pilit winawaksi ang nararamdaman. Pilit winawala ang bagay na magpapaalala sa pangarap na di nakamtan. Ayaw mo na, ikamo pa. ‘AYOKO NA!’ Sigaw ng puso mong sugatan at pilit lumalabang pangarap ay kalimutan. Ayaw mo na nga, oo. Ayaw kung sa ayaw. Hindi kung sa hindi…

Sino ang pinapaniwala mo? Ayaw mo na?

Ngunit pano kung may mga bagay kang nakita na nagdulot sa iyo ng konting saya? Ng konting pag-asang baka nga naman sa minsan mo pang pagsubok kamtin an ng pangarap mo ay ikaw ay manalo na?

Paano kung sa iyong pag-ayaw na ito…may LUMAMBONG na isang maliit ngunit matibay na pag-asa? Ayaw mo na?

Umayaw ka na pero heto’t muli kang umasa dahil may mga bagay kang nakikita. Nababanaag. Nasisilayan. Bagay na talagang magbibigay sayo ng kahit konting pag-asa upang patuloy kang kumakapit sa isang masidhing pinangarap kahit gaano man kasakit ang dulot nitong kabiguan dati. Pag-asa? O kay hangal mong kumapit pa rin sa isang pangarap na alam mo naman may napakalaking posibilidad na hindi magkatotoo. Ilang beses mo ng iniwan ang marubdob na damdaming iyong dala dala, pero heto ka muling nababaliw iwan ang ganda at katahimikan ng dalampasigan upang muling sumubok suungin ang karagatan para maabot ang isang marubdob na pagnanasa…sa isang napakailap na pangarap. Di ba minsan mo ng isinumpang kailanman ay hindi ka na maapektuhan ng kahit anong bagay na makikita mo mula sa iyong pinapangarap? At kailanman ay di ka na uulit sumugal pa? Pero heto siya, ang pangarap mo…muling kumakatok. Susundin mo pa ba ang sigaw ng iyong puso at hangaring makuha ang isang, minsan, ay naging mailap mong pangarap?

Tatalikdan mo na lang ba basta ang idinulot nitong hapdi at sakit sa puso mong dati ay umasa? Bibigyan mo pa rin ba ito ng pansin gayong alam mong pwede ka nitong pahirapan uli at muling ipagdamot sayo ang iyong pangarap kahit gaano ka kabangis at katiwalang lumaban at pumusta?

Sapat na ba ang pagbibigay mo sa kanya ng isang libo’t isang pagkakataon para mapatunayan mo sa kanyang karapatdapat ka sa pangarap na noon pa man ay iyong inasam? Gayong sa kabila nito, pupuwede ka na naman uling biguin ng pangarap mong ito? Muli ka bang mamangha? Hahanga? Magnanais? Magnanasa? Magtitiwala? Maghahangad? Magmamahal? At dadakila muli, minsan pa…para sa isang malayong pangarap pilit mo uling aabutin ?

O puso, bakit kayhirap mong turuan…hindi ka na natuto. Hindi ka na mapigilan. Marapat lamang na ikaw ay patuloy na magluksa sa isang pangarap na alam mong simula’t simula pa man ay dapat mo ng pinagluksa…sapagkat ito ay walang idudulot kundi matinding LUNGKOT AT KABIGUAN.

Heto ka…araw araw laging namamangha, humahanga, nagnanais, nagnanasa, nagtitiwala, naghahangad, nagmamahal at dumadakila sa isang malayong pangarap na alam mo naman dapat ng ipagluksa at libing. Isang pangarap na malayo na dapat mahigpit na balutin ng isang HIRAM NA LIGAYA, GALAK at SAYA.

Oo, hiram na katuwaan at pagbubunyi ! Salat, kulang at sobrang malayo sa iyong pinagnasang pangarap! Tama nga! Hiram lang itong pambalot na ito! BALATKAYO. Huwad. Hungkag. Malamlam. Walang kulay. Hiram at hindi sa iyo. At alam mo ring anumang oras maari itong liparin ng muling pagtukso sa iyo ng iyong pangarap upang ikaw ay muling mamangha. Humanga. Magnais. Magnasa. Magtiwala. Maghangad. Dumakila. At MAGMAHAL. Patuloy na magmahal sa kabila ng lahat ng pait. Humiram ka man ng lakas, ligaya, galak at tuwa sa iba…isa lang ang totoo: sa likod ng iyong hiram na balatkayo naroon ang katotohanang kahit gaano ka saktan ng iyong bigong pangarap patuloy kang mamangha. Hahanga. Magnanais. Magnanasa. Magtitiwala. Maghahangad. Dadakila. At MAGMAMAHAL…sa isang malayong pangarap. MAY KABIGUAN. MAY LUHA. MAPAIT. MASAKIT.

MAPAIT. MALAYO. MAPAGLARO… ngunit TOTOO…

methinks aloud!

hi everyone...


this is me in what i call my engrossing solitude...

everything written in here form part of my loving persona waiting to be unleashed by a worthy mortal...who that be? a question, i still couldn't figure out the answer 'til now...


this will be my own tiny place to house all my silent screams in such an engulfing world, where people lie, cheat, betray each other, hurt even the ones they love, wantonly waste every possible resource they can get hold of...all the stifling and the most heartrending pains that i often encounter in life...i'd gladly place here...because no matter how the world can become so depressing, it still worth living in and no matter how people suck, there's more to them than meets the eye...


all my thoughts, questions (answered and unanswered), whining, "freedom talk", yearning, longing, hopes, aspirations, dreams...in all its honest and naked splendor shall be placed in this tiny little spot i call...my dark soliloquy...


come and bask in the glory called BLOGS...

An all-heart blog...so pure, so honest...it hurts!

Foreword

I wrote this for a very dear friend...I'm sharing this in the hopes that i will inspire women to say what's in their mind and in their hearts for you never know, the people who are subjects of your musings are basically waiting for you to spill the beans... Saying your thoughts and your yearnings may not reap bad ripples towards you...look at me! I told my friend how i felt and yet, we never lose the friendship...for we, both came from the space of understanding and being level-headed....the object of my "affection" here remains to be my closest friend ever...for he is such a great gentleman to accept how i felt for him and never took advantage of this crazy and mindless feeling i got for me...he is in fact, forever grateful of the gift of love i gave him...he continues to be part of colorful life 'til now... the friendship? still intact...strong and forever burning in our hearts... writing this blog could probably be one of the wisest decision i ever made in terms of my writing my personal thoughts...

-------------------------------MY LOVE STORY-------------------------------------

Some would wonder, why in the world would somebody as rational and as sane as rubymae would write something utterly mushy like this…why a girl like her, who thinks in terms of foreseen outcomes of her actions still muster the nerve to come up with this?

Simple, because at times I chose to be irrational and let my heart overtook my mind…this way one can truly say that with that you have loved fully, despite the repercussions, despite the impending disadvantages of fully baring your heart and soul out to people who may not understand that at times, if need be, you just have to let it all out and go on…tell the people who (you feel) deserve the love and ardor you feel inside, even if there is a looming reality of probably losing that someone you truly love for he may not understand the space you come from.

For those who will have the patience to read this, I thank you…everything written here, I take sole responsibility of…for those who will not understand… thank you just the same, this is me and this is how I feel, at the moment. You may rebut me through your comments, but for now, here is me, my heart, my thoughts…my literature, with all the passion and candor I can muster…read on…

Dear Friend,

As they always say, the toughest is to begin when there seems to be no ending… where in the world, would I truly begin with this…

I often asked myself why is there this need to start this letter when I don’t know if you’ll be able to read this in the first place; when that truth is, I don’t really see myself ending up with you. I never dreamt of having you for myself, but if I do, it’ll be a dream come true…but I believe that dreams aren’t just doled out that easy so I still wouldn’t count on it either. I have thought of this a million times already and I can’t seem to find enough reason for me not to say things that you wouldn’t understand, (for I know at the back of your mind you don’t acknowledge my presence in this very dangerous path that I tread now)…so, here goes...

For so long a time, I battled with myself, if I should really do this for I know this is not what most people would expect from me, a girl who think in terms of what’s between her shoulders. But who cares! This is how I feel! Enough of the thinking and let me begin with the feeling…for I don’t want to end up lamenting the things I could have done and yet opted not to…I believe that life’s too short for regrets…

Ahhh…when something is done in the name of love, nothing is futile...

Okay, let’s start from the very beginning, I FELL IN LOVE with YOU the moment I set my eyes on you…it was somewhere in 2001, July I think, when I first saw you in a party. Little did you know that I started falling in love with you on the very first sight of you…yes! It was one of those clichés of falling in love the very first time you laid your eyes on that special someone…YOU! I really don’t know why! I maybe in need of a serious wracking, to be awakened from this maudlin slumber! You don’t even seem to fit my style, but there I was, helplessly loving you from a distance at that very night. I still didn’t even know you and yet, there I was, all mushy and stuff…loving you just the same.

Even our very good friend don’t know that this is how I feel for you back then, she thought all the while, that it was just an overwhelming attraction from a girl grieving over a lost love, but I know better…(sorry friend, I have never mustered enough courage to tell you how I feel about him…)

Since I was very much in a relationship that time, I find it kind of unfaithful in my part to be feeling that way, but then rushing emotions can’t be stopped or put on hold. I lingered in the party primarily because you were there. As you hop from one table to another, I started following you with my peripheral vision…oh you were so clueless! While I go around, greeting old friends, reminiscing the past and the laughter we all shared, half of my mind was praying that we ended as friends before the night is through…and golly!

The gods are on my side! We didn’t only became friends but we ended as close friends after we bonded on top of the San Juanico Bridge later that night…that was one of my fondest memory…remembering it brings tears to my eyes, for now, I know we both are living separate lives and it’s kind of sad to see how fast that gap widens as we meet new people and friends in our day-to-day living. Back then, you just didn’t know that the more I get closer to you the harder I fall…

The more I see the gentleman and good person in you (remember, the night you allowed me to sleep in your bed while you slept on the cold floor just to accommodate my birthday whims, only to be awakened very early morning by the sound of my phone ringing for the birthday calls my parents and friends gave me…), the more I long to love you, that love that I think would even transcend intimacy and proximity, ‘cause inside me is this strong need to hide you from life’s pains, troubles, from the hurts.

I long to see you dance with ecstatic happiness and unceasing contentment. Oh how I long for that gorgeous smile you have to be forever painted in that wanting-to-be-kissed lips of yours! I long to shield you from people who would cause you pain and frustration. Yes, I have fallen in love with you…so great, so unselfish, so pure…that it hurts, it hurts so bad… to see you fall each time…

And because I chose to be upright and faithful in all my relationships, I opted to suppress this feeling I have for you even after I have already broken up with my boyfriend back then. And to help me mend a broken heart I decided to leave our cozy little town and try my luck in the big city, taking a new career in a different place helped a lot in this restraint I have for my feelings towards you, for I believe that geographically, things won’t work out for the two of us. You work in our place while I went and conquer Manila. Our being single at that time will not warrant us having a relationship for I was too broken at that time, that I am afraid I will affect you and the relationship (whatever it may be) we may create in the process.

So off to the city I went, and made a decent living, meeting and creating friends along the way, somewhere in this process, I met this man, I have fallen in love with him, for four years, we went steady and to a certain extent, he helped me get over you so fast…that was what I thought at that time! I guess it takes another heart to heal another, but you know what, even if I have him (my boyfriend) beside me, I still think about how you were, I got jealous with the girls who you come across with, those stupid girls who can’t seem to do you good and who love nothing else but themselves.

At that time, I thought and I asked myself, why can’t we be? Why can’t we really be?! When here I am, ready to offer unconditional love, who would love to love you, keep you, understand you…why can’t you see things my way…why can’t we be more than friends? I’ll let you in a secret…before, when I was new in this big city, without a friend, or somebody to love yet…I dreamt of you, I yearned for you…I long to have you near me, when I was alone in this cold and lonely place. I yearned to see you and to be able to put my arms around, seek comfort and assurance that I will get by despite this big bad city that envelops me hard and fast…but you know what, instead of doing all these for me, you decided to drop off from the face of this planet…you didn’t communicate, you didn’t even bother to text, to tell me, your close friend, where in the world are you and what in the world happen to you. Oh! I almost forgot, you studied your MA here in the city but I couldn’t remember seeing you or you asking me out to touch base. Did you? Nah! You were busy(?!) You didn’t have the time to see old friends…you basically let go of my hands…and forget I exist…oh how I ache…

And what broke my heart even more, is the fact that while you continue to neglect me by not communicating with me, cluelessly adding more insult to my already bleeding heart, you were on your way towards a new relationship with a girl who turned out to be one lousy girlfriend who did nothing but hurt you and wound you in so many ways she can ever imagine. What is this your comeuppance for unknowingly breaking my heart?

Tell me friend, why do you always mess your life when you know fully well that I am here ready to take you on? Ahhh…maybe because I wasn’t good enough for you…is it the “sexy” vital statistics? Or do I come off too strong for you? But what would you have me for? The same whining girl who you have the misfortune meeting? Really…I wonder why you don’t seem to notice me? Why friend? Too terrified, I’ll break your heart and tore it into pieces just because I am strong and dominant? Didn’t you see the loving person that this stubborn soul hides in her? I have fallen in love with you and I still did even if for 4 years I maintained one great relationship that I thought would last. While you go and jump from one relationship to another, breaking so many hearts in the process including mine…I was still foolishly and hopelessly in love with you…(this is something a realize just recently…)

While I was happy weaving plans and dreams with my boyfriend, you were messing your life with the many emotional baggage that hampers your being a loving person. You seemed lost... So I decided to give you the space you wanted, I rarely texted, I didn’t get update from you personally and worse? I even deleted your number from my phone? (Even if I love you, I didn’t memorize your number…) but you know what? Despite this, I was still asking around, seeking news on what happened to you? So many news came to me, they tried to mar my pristine love for you but to no avail (they even told me your gay just because you love Beyonce!! C’mon! Does it follow? Huh! Reeeaaally???!!)

But my heart is just as stubborn as its owner…I can’t teach it to forget you…I really can’t…precisely the reason why letting my boyfriend go (when my 4-year-old relationship failed) came that easy and fast. It was partly because of you…and mostly because I was headstrong…

So I broke up with my boyfriend, you resurrected again to my life but still so many impediments beset you…you, my love, dated, fallen in love, fell out of love, whined, licked wounds, battled with frustrations, tried to ward off engulfing loneliness as I watch you…yes I watched you! I read your blogs…mostly, to my great horror…they were all about your angst! I watched you fall, fall so hard…but you didn’t even bother to look up and see me there, ready to help you up. You never knew I was there…all willing…to listen, shelter you, protect you…you never knew, for you were so full of yourself. It was then that I started hating myself for loving you so much…

Another secret? Yup! It was you I was actually evading, the reason why I stayed in the city for 3 years without going home! Although I told my friends, I can’t go home for I am too busy with work, but it was actually you I was dreading to meet, for I really don’t know if I can still hold this feeling off. I was so afraid that when I see you home, I’d make a fool of myself and go directly to you, arms wide open, and pledge my undying love for you only to have you throw that to my face afterwards. Yes, I was able to suppress this feeling for 6 years now, until this blog…

I was direly affected by the time we spent together just recently when my dad died. I saw you... I was stronger this time around...I made my mind up to be ready to face you come what may...my dad's death helped a lot in confronting you and seeing you again in his wake. At least you were there when I needed you the most. But you know what, at the back of my mind, I thought you would never come and partly I was ready for that. But you came! Thank you so much… But you know what seeing you again brought so many pains in my heart all over again, like a thousand daggers, piercing my heart, tearing it into pieces. And, I got so brokenhearted for you when my Mom told you in your face that it’s not you she wanted me to marry! It was somebody who is now based in Baguio…you didn’t know…I got deeply hurt…for I was truthful when I told my family, friends and relatives that it’s you I want to have as a boyfriend but you were just too busy for me! Hehehe…

And you know what, I will never listen to the songs, Kahit Isang Saglit and Moonlight in Paris the same way as I did before…you simply made my night with them! Hearing you sing them, made me want to take on the world for all I care! It completed my bullets for the flight back to the city the following day.

Friend, you did nothing but break my heart. You hurt me so much. But do you know the most horrifying fact that I realized just recently? Is that after all these, I forgive you…I do love you still…you just don’t know how much…

Why am I writing this and publishing this through this blog? It is because I want to tell the whole world about this…our love story! Naah! Who am I kidding? This is more like MY LOVE STORY! I wrote this not because I’d like to land on your lap and finally create my happy ending, but, so I can free myself of you! So I can purge myself of this love I feel for you cause I know this will be unrequited, just the same.

I want to free my heart from the space that you have occupied so I can let another person worthy of this much love I can give, to come in. Do I wish to end up with you? Honestly, I don’t know…all I know is, I want to set myself and my heart free, so I can freely love another person who will truly deserve this so much love I can offer.

You? You will be one happy memory I will always love to remember after this all-truth-heart-and-and-soul-baring blog of mine. You will just be another clueless friend who I love to love…I will always love you but I promise that you will not be able to hurt me the same way as you did before. Go on, go crazy! Plunge to a miserable life for all I care…but hey! Who am I kidding? I would still be here for you…loving you…

Loving you…unconditionally…completely even when this goes unrequited...

In love with you forever (huh?),
Friend

Red, Blue & Green: Lovely colors for a beautiful Lady in deep thoughts…

Here I am brimming with deadlines and papers to check yet writing my thoughts doesn’t seem to hamper all these things that I am expected to do and deliver…


I was actually checking the papers of my Analog kids when these beautiful thoughts hit me…actually I only remembered two men (Green and Blue) but I don’t want to be writing about binaries so decided to think of one more man to complete my inseparable trinity… here goes…


I have been whining in my past blog so here’s one to color my dark soliloquy even more…


Lately, three actualized, gorgeous and lovely men fill my head these days, night and day…especially in my most unguarded moment... I’ll name them using colors so as to make my whole story vivid. The first one is Red, and then there’s Blue and my all-time favorite Green. I call him Red ‘cause that’s how I lovingly call him in my thoughts or even in person. I call the next one Blue. Why? Because according to him he liked waves, waves, waves and waves…hehehehe… (this is a dead give-away, hope he doesn’t get to read this blog of mine). And the last but definitely not the least is Green I call him this ‘cause he is a close friend, very close to me, in fact… and THAT is quite tempting!!! Yummy! I remember my Humanities teacher in UP told me that green is the color of temptation! Not to mention green is among his favorite colors…(I read this in the survey posted in the Bulletin, blue and green right friend?)


Okay before we go any further, I’d like to clarify something, I wrote this blog not because I want to lure them to me or land them or for me to become the most important girl in their lives…uh uh…not so. I wrote this for the sheer fascination of writing their similarities and contrasts, and for me to get even ‘cause they do fill me head instantly at any given time and place! Sweeping me off my sanity, reason and disposition. Wrote this with the hopes that those who get to read this, will keep on thinking about them ‘til these three pretty men all have troubled sleeps…payback time!


So with that cleared, let’s continue…

Parallelism…

These three sport a medium-built height, with “semi-kayumanggi” complexions, they all have captivating eyes that smile every time they smile. They are all hardworking and passionate with their crafts and line of work, that made them all a good catch to girls! All of them are actualized men, with steady jobs and normal set of friends, I believe. They have normal hobbies men would often indulge in. All of them are pensive, quiet and shy. At times, I do get to overpower them too, since I talk way too much even when I’m with them! Probably why I liked them ‘cause they’re exactly my opposites. These three men also share two to-die-for traits and that is being perfect gentlemen and being “mabait” to girls. They are also well-dressed and wouldn’t be caught looking bad in their “car-crash” get up. They know how to do color harmony in dressing up, they all smell pretty nice and they all look good. When caught in the middle of a crowd, they all have the same shared characteristic, and that is to pass the throng of people, unnoticed and unheard of. In a crowd, they all will keep their silence but will definitely observe the people with unabated interest. They are charming. Clean-cut. Brainy. Passionate. And darn good-looking!


Contrast…
Red is married. Into a technical job. An engineer to be exact. And way off my wavelength for I don’t know if I would still get to see him, especially now that I don’t have them for a class already... yes! He was a former student. One of my older students. So necessarily he is off limits. His having a wife automatically eliminates him from the list of my “most wanted men”. He is very serious, pensive and contemplative of the things that happen around him. Highly attentive. Observant and thoughtful. He wouldn’t miss a thing in a crowd. He is shy but would NEVER EVER forget to smile at me whenever he would see me. He is into sci-fi and reading. And he comes into my mind every now and then for the simple reason that I have such high regard for him, his personality and his disposition. Too bad his married. Back off Ruby.


We move on…

Blue. Is happily committed with his girlfriend for years. In fact this commitment made their relationship last until now despite it being a long distance one. I happen to have a contact with him but he seems so miles away for he is into his girlfriend talaga. He is mighty faithful, as his friends describe him. And I rarely see him, ‘cept in some parties of our mutual friends. Loves the ocean. Surfs. Skimboards. He looks like my Green but Green is more simpatiko. He maintains a specific circle of friends, so there’s no way I can penetrate his crowd and don’t have ways of getting to know him better. Besides he’s got a girlfriend, I don’t feel like grabbing him from her. Nah. He’s too off limits. Why I think of him lately? ‘Cause he reminds me so much of Andrew’s mystery. He seemed too be so damn distant and so unreachable that he continuously poses a challenge to my head, as to how I will get to be close to him even as a friend. And boy, I love challenges. It’s been months of contemplating on ways to get him to talk, but damn! He is too shy. Every time I am around he would clam up on me. Hay naku kapagod ha?! Ergo, I give up! We are friends or better yet, acquaintance, that’s all. Yoko attempt ng iba pa. I hear much about him from our common friends and I bet he hears much about me through them as well so let’s just stop there. Fin. No need for me to complicate our current set up. Still, if he wants someone to break his silence with, he knows where to find me, he got my number eh. But I doubt he will ‘cause I bet his girl wouldn’t want that! What the heck! Live it as is, Ruby. Back off girl. There will be many fish…even in his ocean full of waves!


Alright! Let’s try the next door…

Green. My oh my…do I have to talk about him when I have already talked about my love story in my former blog? Okay, for the benefit of those who haven’t read the other blog…here goes. Green, my Green... He is one heck of a person I would always love to love. In fact, I have long decided to love him unconditionally, that was like 6 years, 1 month and 1 week as of to day. He is a loving person. He is quite brainy. Very sensical. Can carry a decent conversation just like Red. Unlike Blue, Green and I can talk about almost anything under the heat of the sun. In fact, that’s the reason why we became friends instantly the night we met. He is shy but knows when to drop a line or two and knows how to sustain great conversations. He is into RnB, movies and a tennis champ at that. He has a lot of love to give but just haven’t found one to give it to. Why I think of him often lately? ‘Cause he is now moving on and recovering from a heartbreak so he is quite fragile…sad pa konti and I’m way too far to offer my shoulders to cry on and hear him out. He is not yet ready to fall in love and I wouldn’t want him to with me either, for I feel it would make matters worse. Our being close friends is one of the great reasons why I cannot (no matter how much and deeply I love him) expect more than what he can offer, now or in the future, maybe. He sees me as a friend and that’s what I am offering to him now. No more, no less. I love him though. That is always a given. I think nobody can ever make me forget that, ever. Not even my mom. Or even when I’m married na.But I guess he needs me as friend than as someone “more than a friend”. So here’s me, offering one hell of a pure and unadulterated friendship. No buts. No ifs. No conditions. No ulterior motives. Just love. Friendship. Company. Great conversations. Probably a cup of coffee every so now and then with a touch of soothing music to go with it. Unlike with Red and Blue I am not backing off with my Green. Nah…not leaving Green, no way. I’ll just be around. Constantly guiding. Frequently texting. Always checking. Mangungulit. And if need be forever catching…him from the fall… ‘cause that’s what friends are for, right friend?



So where does that leave me with these men? Here! In my own world. Alone yet happy. Plenty of yearnings and dreams to achieve but contented just the same. Men or no men, my life will still be gaudy just the same. These men…well, they will be there to add more colors to my happy world. I think of them. Yes, at times more often than I should but it doesn’t mean that I must and should swoon, drool and go gaga over them ‘cause even if I, somehow, wanted more than what they all can offer, I still have to do reality check constantly and accept that sometimes really, things don’t go your way…because they just don’t. Period. However, don’t you think it is a bit nicer to fill your days with thoughts of “colors”, every so now and then, to avoid monotony and boredom? Well, for me, you don’t have to go overboard, excessive colors will also mess up your life’s perfect picture, you know…


So, moving on…

Ay! Have to go…got to fill out another “most wanted men” list. Who knows the next color may just blend well with me. Dontcha think so?


Hmm… done with colors…why not nicknames? Mmmm… #1. Juan Bahag… #2. Anime Geek… #3. Money Counter… #4. Mr. Radio Man


The list continues in the next blog…

the addicted person in me...

I confess I am a movie addict to the bone! I am very partial with foreign films 'cause most of them don't insult my intelligence, not that I shun away from Pinoy films, it's just that our film industry never matures (until recently...thanks to Indies!)...hehehe...it's just me thinking out loud...

I confess that I collect movie videos both original and pirated (kids, please don't do this at home...). Hey, don't get me wrong, I just collect pirated TV series (CSI, Alias, Heroes and Prison Break) since they don't come handy in the original racks, most of my film collections are originals...especially the classic films...my heart bleeds when I see great films get distorted through pirated copies, so my opinion is, stick with the original ones...at least you can bring them anywhere...proudly! hehehehe...

I watch and cry my heart out over some frivolously romantic films! Especially those with stories about the events that I could never ever be part of, places I may never travel to, jobs I may never do, clothes I may never fit into...and...MEN I can never have...hehehehe...

I sang with great singers who make great sound tracks at the end of each film while credits are being shown (hats off to Bryan Adams, Sting and Rod Stewart for their Three Musketeers sound track...ALL FOR LOVE...). I so love songs from any Julia Roberts film...Say a Little Pray'r, She, I Will, How Can You Mend A Brokenheart...the list can go on forever dear!

Did I mention credits? hehehe....at the back of my mind I still hope that maybe even at the end (of the film), the director had kept something for us, the patient ones, who would watched up to the last name of the credits...oh how I love Shrek 2's Baby Mutants (the baby donkey-dragons, offsprings of Donkey and Dragon)! And also, I got kinda excited that Prof. Charles Xavier isn't dead in X-men 3...boy oh boy...I got all these from patiently watching the credits at the end of almost every films I see...oh, I forgot, I love Jackie Chan's bloopers as well...

And as a solid proof of my being a certified movie buff, here are some famous long lines, I collected, transcribed and encoded here just for you...I took the liberty of putting categories in them according to how I see them, also to show you how mushy I can be...patiently transcribing all these...

Enjoy them, the way I did! Read on...

On women: Sean Bean, TROY
Women have a way of complicating things...


On falling in love: Anthony Hopkins, MEET JOE BLACK
I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance...Be deliriously happy... I know it’s a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, something you can’t live without. I say, fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and listen to your heart, cause the truth is, honey, there’s no sense living your life without this... to make the journey and not fall deeply in love...well you haven’t live a life at all. But you have to try, ‘cause if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived...

On love: Mandy Moore, WALK TO REMEMBER
Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense. It is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes...

On marriage: Susan Sarandon, SHALL WE DANCE
All these promises that we make and we break, why is it do you think that people get married? ...because we need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything – the good thing, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all the time, everyday. You’re saying, “Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. You will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness.”

A father’s grief over a son’s death: Peter O' Toole, TROY
I have endured what no man on earth will endure...I kissed the hands of the man who killed my son...


On criticisms: Beyonce Knowles, FIGHTING TEMPTATIONS
When life makes you have to put up with mean and hateful people, just think of them as sandpapers, they may scratch you and rub you the wrong way but eventually you end up smooth and polished while the sandpaper is just gonna be worn out and ugly.


On being courageous in the face of perils: Morgan Freeman, DEEP IMPACT
I believe in God, I know a lot of you don’t but I still want to offer a prayer for our survival. I’m included because I believe that God, whomever you hold that to be, needs all our prayers, even if sometimes the answer is no...

On being simple: Taye Diggs, BROWN SUGAR
Simplicity provides a fine line between eloquence and plainness.

On Life’s Simple Rules: Will Smith, HITCH
Never lie, steal, cheat or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love; if you must steal, steal away from a bad company; if you must cheat, cheat death; if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

On acceptance and tolerance: Garfield, GARFIELD
At first I thought he was a pain but he’s grown on me like a wart, you wanna have removed until you realize it defines you in some fine way.

On lost chances: Carrie Ann Moss, Matrix
I wish I had one more chance to say what really matters, to say how much I love you, how grateful I was for every moment I was with you, but by the time I knew how to say what I want to do, it was too late...

On having faith: Optimus Prime, TRANSFORMERS
...there’s more to them than meets the eye…

Did you love them? hehehehe... YES I AM AN ADDICT!!!! Movie Addict that is...and it's pretty contagious!!!

Thoughts: My brothers, our music…our memories…

this is one of my fav'rite blog...that's why I always post this in all my blog sites...

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Just recently two of my younger brothers moved into my house…and I cannot begin to tell you the amount of food they consume in a span of one week…but they’re my brothers and an Ate like me cannot complain…I so love these boys to death…their names are Bordigs (evolve from Bombordig) and D’joy (Bordigoy).


One fine morning while trying to while away my time tossing and turning on my bed, trying to savor the fact that it’s Saturday and I don’t have work until two o’clock, so no need to get up early…I heard my brothers arguing on who should play the dvd component first…so I interceded and said that the older one and the most makulit D’joy gets to play at least 3 of his songs and then Bordigs’ will do the same thing…until the time they all have been given the chance to play the songs they have in mind.


So they all conceded and started playing their songs…and unknowingly, they have transported me back in time when we were younger and life was simple then…when all our hurts and pains would be healed with just water and soap. As I was listening to Rage Against the Machine’s People of the Sun, I realize that we were kids then and now, we may be all grown up yet there still are things we just can’t shake off like the good old music. Their aguing was not something new to me since my Mom would use to mediate among us on who should play the song first. You see my family can basically listening to Metallica, Slapshock, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Limpbizkit, Eraserheads, Parokya ni Edgar and then jump straight to Matt Monro, Engelbert Humperdick, Air Supply, Duran Duran…hay! What a deluge of differences!


And then comes Wolfgang’s Halik ni Hudas, Nirvana’s Man Who Sold the World, Where did you Sleep Last Night, Pennyroyal Tea, Bob Marley’s No Woman No Cry, Redemption Song, and then Siakol’s Bakit Ba, Lagim, Byaheng Impyerno…all these, are proofs that my brothers had just basically grown in size and had changed shapes but their hearts remember what was good and still is good until now…


And so I went to join them in the sala and what was a casual day of playing music became one helluva bonding moment for the three of us…in the midst of playing the songs that we agreed on, jokes were cracked, our “memory treasure chests” were opened and childhood adventures were once again re-lived! I began playing Air Supply’s Even the Nights are Better, Two Less Lonely People…, All Out of Love and Barry Manilow’s Mandy, Even Now and Weekend in New England. We all burst laughing as each of us gave their share of our ‘misfits’ adventures’ as kids...but most of the kwento came from me since I was older than them and I had the pleasure of watching both of them grow up with the rest of our other siblings…I told them that they used to run around our backyard butt-naked with Mom running after them since they wouldn’t want to take a bath, that I have to tie D’joy upside down in the beam of the shed at the back of our house for not taking his afternoon naps and for coming home so dirty after playing in the street with our neighbors…and then I reminded them that we used to play sumpak as kids with Manoy (our eldest brother) as the think-tank and the strategist (since he is so lazy to be running after our “enemies” and protecting our camp…he said he’d rather think!), while I and my 3rd brother Nognog (now a police officer) were the battleground commanders and the younger ones (them, D’joy, Bordigs and the other bulilits) were the pawns! They were the ones who were the first to become POWs (prisoners of war), to be tied by the tree, then later on Nognog and I would rescue. Hehehe… My brothers burst laughing with that thought…


As our background music draw to a close (Cranberries’ Dreams, Linger and When You’re Gone) I poignantly watched them laughing…they were clueless of the tears streaming down my cheeks…ahhh…how we have grown…and how different, the lives we all took…Manoy, an accountant; me, a teacher; Nognog, a police officer; D’joy, a marine engineer; Bordigs, an electrical engineer and our other siblings who are still struggling to make a mark and find their own place under the sun…finishing school…yes, we all have grown…so big, so fast…and so goddamn different!


But at times, isn’t it great to realize that despite all these differences and choices, we would just simply sit down and converge…bond and reminisce the great life that we have together as brothers and sisters? Using all mediums available for us to unite…music, inuman, kwentuhan, and at times…even arguing! At least every time we converge, remember and unite, we strengthen the bond that keeps us all in tangle…that is, our blood, our family name (Buitizon)…our values and the individuals we all have become, all these, rolled into one.


We may lack things, our dining table may not be as festive as the others, we may quarrel over a loaf of bread or a new pair of sneakers at times…but I still would opt to choose to be born in this family…

I’d like to end my blog with this song I always sing to my Mom…hope you all can get the tune…and sing with us…

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you’ve brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you…

…You were always there for me,
the tender wind that carried me,
light in the dark, shining your love into my life…
you’ve been my inspiration…
through the lies you are the truth…
my world is a better place…because of…you…

I’m everything I am…because you love me…

We’re everything we are…because you love us…

Thanks Mama and Papa! Love you very much!

my favorite felon! - Michael Scofield (Discovering Wentworth Miller)

Foremost, I can say that I am not the type to go gaga and rave about a Hollywood hunk. I guess I am too old for that…I’m a girl who doesn’t seem to like the idea of raving and ranting about a celebrity that is so damn distant and impossible to reach… I never would want to waste time and effort in trying to praise and ramble on somebody who may never get to read what I wrote for him…tsk…tsk…tsk…


But hey, there will always be rooms for first times, right? How about now? My younger brother prodded me to buying a DVD of Prison Break, a series, I have never heard of… so to quell his insistent nudge I went to order its 2 seasons from a dear friend.


Gosh! And the moment we watched it… I have never been this glued to my seat where watching a series is concerned! We practically began watching its first season at six in the morning and finished at 11 o’clock in the evening…with just a short and infrequent CR breaks and food in take. I got hooked not only because of the riveting story of underdogs and victims of injustice (Dominic Purcell, playing the brother of Miller, framed and convicted of death penalty, that Miller planned to “snatch” out of the prison) and the multi-faceted lives inside prison but also Wentworth Miller is so goddamn yummy!


Goodness! I never indulge into a brouhaha like this, you know, drooling over a Hollywood hunk but am so into him! I’ve been writing Hollywood news for our radio program for four years now and never did I feel any strong adulation over a distant star, whose path I may never cross with.


Golly! I find him so enthralling that I’ll probably find myself swooning (god help me! Nakakahiya!) if ever I see him. Playing the character of a creative genius who have had low-latent inhibition disorder (in the series as Michael Scoffield a.k.a Fish) seems so fitting to his mysterious and enigmatic persona. And I found myself kissing the old magazine I bought ages ago where he had a pin up poster…I felt like a teenager again!


I even told my immediate boss in our school that even if I shied away from the idea of marrying lately, I will marry him outright if he asks me! O di ba? I don’t know but his portrayal and his on-screen character seems to draw me closer. I have yet to finish the second season but I am pretty sure that his performance will also be as riveting as his first.

Before I never would want to rave and rant over some “artista” ‘cause I find it “mababaw” but now…I know how an avid fan feels…ganito pala…


For this time, he is the apple of my eyes…I don’t know how long will this last but all I know is damn! I love him to death!

To all of you who have yet to discover Wentworth Miller…go out there and see for yourself! He looks so yummy and delicious that you’ll momentarily neglect your sanity…just like when indulging into a great bar of chocolate…hey! What’s with men and chocolates that we all girls so love?!

Oh by the way, he is an English Literature graduate of Princeton University…so I guess his enigma is borne out of being a geek…(I know how Lit people operate for I am one…)

Sige po…bye for now… ‘til next blog po…

Carpe Diem! And keep on falling in love!