what is wrong with me?

"...kasi magaya ka sa akin ngayon, ako ito...walang crush, walang minamahal...dire dretso lang tingin ko sa mundo ngayon... wala akong kilig kilig ngayon...i dont know why? nasagad na kaya niya? sa sobrang feeling mode na ginawa ko sa mga blogs ko, nasagad na kaya? kasi honestly, hindi na ako excited makita siya, i dont even want to mention his name in the surveys that i answer in the bulletin, i dont even want to text him...pay, am i drifting away from him? ito ba sinasabi ni Cyril na NAKAKATAKOT NA, MAGFALL OUT OF LOVE? kasi sa totoo lang, wala na talaga akong pakialam anuman mangyari sa kanya...napagod na kaya puso ko? naanesthesize? waaaaaah! help pay! wala na ako nararamdaman!!!!"

just recently i have made this comment to a good friend of mine, at first i thought, these are just mere thoughts...fleeting and passing...but the next time i read it, lo and behold! i have spoken out loud the very thoughts that are running in my head...


unknowingly, i had voiced out the very feeling i have at the moment...


yesterday i approached three of my brightest students in my Lit class, asking them to help me decipher what's going on with me, on the way am feeling right now. not that i dont love anybody, nah! not that! contrary to this, i do love all my students, the people who shared their lives with me, my friends, kasoy, marie, mam vanj, momi beni...my sister most especially my mom! i am pretty sure that i still have that capacity to love! i sure i do! i still maintain this sympathetic ear, this broad shoulder to cry on...most of my kids would still come to me and ask my two cents ideas and they will leave me feeling okay for i'll listen to them and give them sensical advice. you see, this is the loving person in me! always accommodating despite the hectic workload...


oh yes! am still the "kakaloka", "kakatawa", "kakabaliw na teacher", who is a mix of extreme persona, i still love life! i still love my job! i didnt stop loving writing! i am hopelessly in love with life and i soooooo love my mom, all these i am pretty sure, i still love and commit and recommit to having for always. and i still have that kilig factor when one of my student called me a HOT MAMA who wished he will meet a 'recopied' me in the future, so he can have a younger version of me...since having me is next to impossibility...whoaaaaah! kakatangos ng ilong ha?


BUT!!!


lately, i see all men as ordinary beings who are busy like me. no glitz, no glamor, just men going on with their daily lives, trying to make ends meet. i'll see them pass my way and i (too my horror!) will not even take a second look. the "kilig" factor i have whenever i see somebody "gwapo" is slowly fading. at the moment, i dont feel any form of attraction or love to men in my midst lately. why? waaaaaaaaaahaaaayyyyyyy!


did i ran out of love already? am not naman in pain. in fact i feel great and positive about life these days. i believe i am siksik, liglig at umaapaw...i feel that i'm still the superloving ruby that i am years ago, who never believes in forgetting love despite the many hurts i was in before...


it's just that -- MAN, these days don't interest me... oh, they are just M-A-N for me...male species, with different physique and reproductive system...they are just MAN for me, not so yummy anymore... yun lang. no frills.no fireworks. no colors. no rainbows.


whenever my friends would tease me into dating somebody or would tell me that somebody has a crush on me, i'll just listen, smile, accept the compliment...drop a few funny lines, makikikilig (kunwari) and then what? i'll let the issue die a natural death by pushing them into the dark recesses of my mind...


i have a friend who love to tease me 'bout him being in love with me, but what do i do? i practically laugh in his face, crack jokes 'bout how untrue his feelings are, and worse, ignore him talaga! tinatawanan ko lang siya! and then i go on doing all the stuff i need to do for the day...


and then there's this one instance, when the guy who i had a crush with dati, got interested in me na, to the point of walking an extra mile to accommodate my whims, but what do i do? i just smile and leave him, while he was practically waiting for me to finish my work so he can take me home or drop me off the place where i can catch my usual ride home...


whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!! kahaba ng hair!!! so kawawa the guy ha? e ano gagawin ko? ayaw tumibok eh...


damn! what's wrong with me?!!! i love men!!! i will always do! but now, they actually BORE ME!!!


i have always been loving, sweet and funny to my male friends, now am turning a cold shoulder on them. why?

did i run out of love already? nabuhos na ba lahat sa maling tao? at umayaw na ako bigla?


or am i too busy to care and notice men? especially these days when work seems to engulf me?


can somebody tell me what the heck is wrong with me?


for i am pretty sure that this is so UNME...

am sooooo prettily confused!